Christian Marriage Gone Wrong

Now in an era of technology, young women have a huge pool of people to interact with and consult for help. They do it under their own name, but often under a handle or pretend name. 

In the 1980s when I married a man I shouldn't have, things were different. I didn't have broad world experience. I only knew what my friends, parents, and church taught me. My world was small but expanding when I met Randy. 

I didn't have a pool of friends by then. It seemed my university friends had all gone their own ways and no one wanted to be a third party to a couple.

Being an introvert, I had a hard time cultivating new friendships. So I fell for it. I fell for Randy's idea that we marry. 

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But there was hesitancy. I wanted more and better, but I didn't know how to get it. I didn't know how to let him down and part ways. 

These days, women go online to ask for advice from complete strangers. They hear other points of view. 

I currently see lots of women who married young and got out of a miss-marriage, or who are going through trials now. 

When I was separated in the '80s, Christians didn't talk about divorce. Marriage was supposed to be longterm. Having no confidantes was hard. So were my legalistic viewpoints. So I stayed tethered to Randy though he didn't want to live with me. I needed someone to cut the cord. It took a lot out of me. It took too much than anyone should have to give. 

Read my story in my Amazon Kindle book No More Games. Thanks.

Where Does My Story Fit? It Doesn't Matter. It's Been Written

When I was preparing to write my story of a Christian woman who married a fake Christian who ultimately left her, I was sure it shouldn't be called a memoir. I know memoirs are a tough sell. I could call it creative non-fiction. I could also make it a novel. 

The lines are often blurred when writing such a story. The point was, it was time to tell my story. It was time for me to remove the pain of the past once and for all. It was time to rip off the bandage and uncover the girl that was still in there. It was time for her to heal and come back to life. 

The idea of it being a self-help book also crossed my mind. I normally write self-help. I do want my book to shed light on the subject of what some Christians face when going through separation and divorce. I do want it to help, not just entertain. 

I also read an article where a writing coach said how annoyed she was with reading yet another story of a relationship gone wrong due to dysfunction and abuse. I'm sure many stories written of breakup are from people who suffered physical abuse or dealt with alcoholics or drug users. 

My story is none of that. A slightly narcissistic person, yes. An unhealed person, yes. 

Back when I married him, I never knew the word narcissist. The word stalker was only becoming popular. 

The trouble is, many women, in the name of marriage, do themselves an injustice by thinking they have to stick it out when being flung around like a spider on a long web by a man who was supposed to have her best interests at heart.

I invite you to read my story. https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Games-Christian-Marriage-ebook/dp/B08H1BQNHB

(I've contacted Amazon to correct the look inside feature)

Christian Marriage? Or is it?

 

She goes through with the engagement to Randy.

But she is still in love with another man.

Or at least infatuated with the other man.

She hesitates when two other men suddenly ask her out in the midst of her wedding planning. 

She cries out to God but is in too deep to walk away. 

She can't fathom what lay ahead.

She rationalizes why she should marry Randy: He took her virginity (his doing more than her desire). 

Aren't you supposed to marry the first man you have sex with?

Sick theology.

Stalked without realizing it. 

Talked into marriage, rather than falling in love first. 

The first signs of problems appear on the honeymoon.  

No Christian gets married expecting to become separated soon after. But this is what happens in many cases. Especially in cases where the groom feigns salvation because he knows he must to win his Christian girlfriend over.

The naive young Christian bride trusts enough in God to believe all is well. What doesn't seem well, God will surely fix. But soon enough, she's sorry and entrapped. 

Can Marriage Separation Cause Trauma?

Trauma doesn't always come by way of a fist or seeing a mangled body. Words, attitudes, and actions can inflict wounding. Broken promises and a broken heart can induce trauma in the trusting soul. During trauma, parts of our brain shut down to protect us. We say to ourselves; this isn’t right. My soul feels violated by this.

My way of handling emotional trauma was to deal with it myself. I didn't invest in long-term counseling. I didn't have close friends to talk to. I'm an introvert. Once I married Mark, I didn't talk about back then. I had tucked the memories away. But years later, the trauma shook my core like an about-to-explode bomb demanding to be decommissioned. 

What resulted were physical symptoms. Anxiety. And so I went for therapy as a much older woman, the memories still on the surface to be told. 

And we worked through them. 

Then, during the COVID-19 pandemic, I decided to write my story. 

It was a way of shedding my old wineskin (renewing my thinking) to prepare myself to move forward in a new wineskin. Find my story here 

Matthew 9:16, 17

The Patches and the Wineskins

"No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment. For the patch will pull away from the garment, and a worse tear will result. Neither do men pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst, the wine will spill, and the wineskins will be ruined. Instead, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved." 

Celebrating your Anniversary Alone?

 

In a Christian Facebook group, one poster wrote that it was her wedding anniversary, but she and her husband were separated. 

It's crazy to think I spent a number of wedding anniversaries, birthdays, Christmases on my own too as I stayed separated for so long so many years ago.  My heart wanted to reach out to this younger generation woman, but I wouldn't know what to say. 

If I could have, I might have suggested she read my story written in my recent memoir No More Games, When Christian Faith and Marriage Collide: a Memoir. But the forum would not allow for me to share that. 

When I think back, so many details of my separated years are vivid and in colour. But many others have faded. I don't know how my on-again-off-again spouse dealt with our anniversaries. I don't recall what I did either. 

I went through ups and downs trying to stay married, waiting until he finished his school course. He went back to university three years after we married. It would be a longterm commitment. So I hung on. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't hung on. It was a time filled with many tears. 

What's a Christian to Do when Her Husband Leaves?

 A friend of mine was beside herself when her 21-year old Christian daughter announced she was engaged. I know the feeling. I went into panic when my own daughter said she was planning to marry the boy she was dating. 

Now, that same young girl is battling an on-and-off again relationship with the man she married. I can relate to what she might be thinking, feeling, dealing with. I was there too as a young twenty-something-year old Christian married woman whose husband wanted her in his life but didn't want to be married. 

This young woman was on my mind when I wrote my memoir, No More Games, When Christian Faith and Marriage Collide: a Memoir. 

I suppose I'm presuming to know what this young woman is dealing with. Her situation may be similar to what I went through in part, or it may be completely different. Nevertheless, it's time we talk about the deep pain some of us face as innocent young girls marrying the wrong man. The dissolution of a marriage is seldom easy.